The past 10 Months

Let me give you a brief overview of the last 10 months of my life. It all starts with a new roommate and a new man in my life. The roommate added a lot of extra stress in my life, which made me a really grumpy person. Also made me fight harder against my abuse trying to live in denial and act like it never happened. The man in my life was my only sanity that I had. My breath of fresh air and my escape from my reality. It all changed in November of last year.

Before I continue any further I must tell you that my father was an abuser to me as a child. However, his abuse is not what I am having memories of that haunt me in my sleep. My memories are of other men and with me being at a much younger age. My father started sexually abusing me when I was about 10 and starting to develop. He is also the one that abused me mentally and physically. Such a great man he was! I have a lot of issues with my father especially when my family found out what he was doing. It became a battle between family, of the ones who believed and supported and of the ones that wanted denial.
I left my house at 17 to get away from my father and it has been a battle to stay away from him since. The battle is that my brothers still want a relationship with him and want to live in denial. This means they have him around a lot and want me to have a relationship with him. This is not going to work.

Now after that brief bit of information, you might understand my horror on Thanksgiving last year when my dad showed up at my house the day before to admit to me what he had done over the years while asking for forgiveness. You can imagine the turmoil that soon joined in my horror.

Reveiwing past posts

I have been reviewing my past posts on this blog. Actually that is an understatement since there are only three posts. The last post is my favorite. I'm talking about slacking on the blog. Well, since my last blog post was almost a year ago, I must say that is best example of slacking.

A lot has happened in the past 10 months. I have suffered through a lot, learned a lot, overcame a lot, and of course neglected this blog. However, I don't think it has hurt me any to have neglected it. I don't have any followers, so it isn't like they have been waiting for 10 months wondering what is going on in my craze brain. In the past 10 months I have actually accomplished a lot.
Want to know more? Then continue to read!

Slacking

This week I am really slacking on the blog. I have read in the Door of Hope book. However, I have not had the time to post. The week has been chaotic! Work is overwhelming, my house is endless dirty, have things stacked everywhere because I can't seem to get organized, my budget needs organization.....etc. My budget has me really stressed right now.
I will continue with the Door of Hope blogs here soon. This week was just a bit to chaotic to start a blog.

Late dinner again!

I started another late dinner! Dang!
It makes me so made when I can not organize my day. I was trying to get things done today but not too much because I've been so sick lately. I didn't want to tire myself too much during the weekend. Lets see....I put my sheets in the washer around 7pm. I should have started dinner around 6ish. I mentioned starting dinner and it was on my mind but I got carried playing on the computer and talking to my cousin. I wasted time as always. Why does procrastination have to be an after affect of the abuse?? It drives me nuts!
So, dinner got started around 8:15, which consists of baking chicken and making a slight marinara sauce to top the angel hair pasta that I put the chicken on. I made it up. It was really good actually but it didn't get done until 9:30. LATE LATE LATE!!!!!!
I thought I could still get in bed early....nope! Down to one pair of sheets. The other pair of sheets I had are no more. So, I have to wait for the sheets to dry that I forgot to put in the dryer. I have succeeded again to create another stressed night before I go to bed at a bad time, I might add. This means I will not sleep well again and be grumpy in the early morn!

My project and what it is about

This is my first attempt at a blog. I will admit that I am not eager to start this blog. However, I feel that it will help me overcome the problems of my past. I am hoping that writing about it on a blog will be like talking about but without fear. What I mean about fear is that by blogging about this I don't have to see that look on a person's face and in their eyes....of sympathy or of just "oh Fuck!" I don't have to hear the repeated phrase that tears me to my core, "get over it already". Yes, therapy is good but here I don't have limits. I don't have to look at any one. I can just be me. This blog is my breaking free and learning to soar project.

As a child I was abused sexually, mentally, and physically. I have a lot of repressed memories that are haunting me. I dream of them, making functioning in reality near impossible. These memories are of sexual abuse and I am hoping that blogging about what I dream, feel, etc will help me remember these haunting memories in order for me to take steps to a new life. A life without nightmares, without pain, without fear.

Welcome to my steps of soaring!